Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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