Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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