i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
