Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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