In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I cockslap morals
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
