Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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