before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
