Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
