Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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