why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
