I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
