yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
