Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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