I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
whose parrot is this?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
