the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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