When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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