If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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