College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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