Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
