I think my vagina is haunted
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
