So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
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