She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
