Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
