My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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