I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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