Your dad touched me again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
