We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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