i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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