Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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