Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
