i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
