loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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