Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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