we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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