Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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