he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
