I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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