what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
