It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
