just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
