I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
