The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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