Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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