i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I supernannyed him into submission
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
