I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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