I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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