she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
