I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
