i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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