I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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