just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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