how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
