How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
