I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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