Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
