She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
