yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Found your dick twin last night
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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