just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
