Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You can't just leave with hair like that
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
