He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
