I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize